In February 2024, my beautiful son Cayden Carfrae tragically left this world. Cayden is (I use “is” intentionally) a precocious, willful, dynamic spirit. Gifted and giving, funny, talented, free-spirited; stubborn, loving, headstrong, compassionate and caring.  Rambunctious, wild, spiritual, energetic, vibrant – there are so many words I could use to try and capture the whole of him. Cayden lent his talents for music, lyrics and hip-hop to raise awareness and to advocate for Indigenous rights and homelessness, and also for the pure love and enjoyment of throwing down some good beats. Creative, self-doubting, solemn and funny, wise beyond his years and sometimes so dumb.  He was all of this, and also, still is.

I met Kerri through Cayden, as they worked together at Graffiti Arts Gallery.  When Kerri offered me a cremation tattoo, I eagerly agreed as I know there are few shops in Winnipeg that are willing to do this. I already knew the image I wanted, as I had seen a picture online shortly after Cayden’s passing that took my breath away.  Together Kerri and I made some slight variations (such as adding the baseball cap) to better emulate Cayden.  The ink for the stars that compose Cayden’s form is mixed with his cremation ashes. Kerrie provided such a safe space in her studio for the actual inking, as she did not shy away from the heaviness I was carrying or try to brush it away with the empty platitudes us new grievers frequently hear.  I felt comfortable to laugh, or to cry – whatever emotion that wanted to come to the surface was met only with compassion (and Kleenex). The tattoo came out perfectly.

The tattoo itself has many meanings for me, reminders that I sometimes need daily at this stage in my grief journey.  It reminds me that Cayden is only a breath away at any given time. His light and energy surround me and if I am still, I can feel him with every heartbeat, with every sigh of the wind.  That he is both everywhere and nowhere, both of this world and not.  It reminds me that the love that we shared continues eternal – that Love always transcends Death.  It reminds me that in the midst of my greatest loss I am in the presence of the sacred, that just like Cayden, part of me is also divine light connected to the greater spirit, and this part of me knows he hasn’t truly left. Remember, remember, it whispers, that there is more to life than what I can see or understand, remember to always embrace the mystery.